Hogwarts goes Catholic
by thepotionsmaster369
Summary: Dumbledore orders Snape to become a nun.
1. Chapter 1

**Hogwarts goes Catholic.**

**hello there :) This first chapter is alittle short , but they will get longer as the story continues. Sorry if it offends any nuns , catholics or scientologists.**

**disclaimer: one day i will sue jk rowing for stealing harry potter from me.**

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Before the start of the new year , Dumbledore held a staff meeting. The teachers gathered in the staff room discussing holiday gossip and plans for their classes. Sanpe wondered in , scowling and sat down at the back end of the long table.

"Hello Severus." said McGonagall , upon noticing him , "How were your holidays?"

"Oh it was absolutely wonderful , Minerva ," Snape said , his voice dripping with sarcasm , "I laughed all day , picked daisies and rode on a magical pixie horse that shitted out rainbows."

"Well _sorry_ for asking." said McGonagall , employing her own use of sarcasm.

"Attention my fellow staff members." said Dumbledore , waltzing into the room , gazing at them all. Everyone took thier seats , McGonagall having to sit next to Snape as the only free seat was beside him. Snape growled in annoyance but said nothing.

"I trust you had a good summer break...considering in the circumstances," continued Dumbledore. "Voldemort is back."

There was murmur of discomfort throughout the room at the mention of "Voldemort."

Dumbledore paused for a second , his face growing more serious , "The Ministry does not want to accept this fact and as a result the entire wizarding community is in danger. Now it is my responsibility to protect this school , to shield us all and the children from Lord Voldemort's wrath of terror. That's why this year , there are going to be some changes." Dumbledore surveyed his audience with his twinkling eyes , wondering how everyone would take the news.

"Hogwarts is going Catholic."

The room was awkwardly silent for a second before Snape spluttered ,"WHAT?"

At the same time McGonagall exclaimed ,"Why?"

"Hey" said Hagrid , "It's better than Scientology."

"It's quite simple really. I came upon the idea whilst reading the Bible." said Dumbledore , "Voldemort is the devil. If the school becomes Catholic , God can save us all."

The entire room was speechless.

"What...the...hell?" said Snape.

"Now , Now Severus. Hell is a bad word." said Dumbledore, as if he was telling off a naughty toddler.

"Albus...are you sure your feeling alright?" asked Madam Pomfey.

"Better than ever, my dear Poppy ," said Dumbledore ,beaming.

McGonagall groaned and Snape hit his head against the desk.

"Now some arrangements must be taken care of ." said Dumbledore and with a wave of his wand a black cloak appeared on the table. "That is for you Severus."

"Why would I need another black rode." asked Snape , feeling annoyed.

"That's not just any black robe Severus ," said McGonagall , smirking and handling the robe , "It's a nun's robe."

Sprout burst into laugher while Flitwick sniggered loudly. Snape gaped in disbelief and anger.

"Severus ," said Dumbledore , unable to keep a straight face , "I am appointing you head nun."

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so what do you think? review me . please :) reviews = my eternal happiness.

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	2. Chapter 2

READ , REVIEW , LOVE ME , GIVE ME FREE COOKIES :)

Disclaimer: sometime tonight JKRowling will collapse from the date-rape drug i have placed in her drink and I will successfully steal harry potter.

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Snape was pacing around Dumbledore's office, fuming, his face set into a heavy scowl. Dumbledore watched Snape with mild interest from his desk, where he was sitting, and his expression was thoughtful and slightly amused. Snape was mumbling angrily to himself, his words inaudible.

"What was that Severus? Sorry I'm getting a little hard of hearing in my old age." said Dumbledore, calmly.

Snape growled and turned towards Dumbledore, his hands clenched. "I am not becoming a nun." he said, each word spoken slowly and in a determined fashion through Snape's gritted teeth.

"I'm afraid, Severus, that you have no choice in the matter. Every teacher has a role in the new Catholic regime and you are no exception." said Dumbledore patiently.

"Well can't you make me a priest or the person in charge of exorcisms? Why do_ I_ have to be a bloody _nun_?"

"Because I feel that you are perfectly suited to the role-"

"WHY THE FU-"

Dumbledore held up his hand to silence Snape's interruption. "Let me continue. You would be suited to the role of a nun because you have excellent self control. You do not give into temptation just like a real nun. Also..." Dumbledore smirked, "you never engage in sexual intercourse. You are a perfect nun."

Snape huffed angrily at the last comment. "You have no idea what happens in my private life."

"On the contrary Severus, I know quite a fair amount. For example, the last time you had sex was 5years ago to a witch by the name of Rosmerta, the barmaid of The Three Broomsticks. It lasted approximately one minute and ten seconds. Well below average if I might add."

Snape gaped at Dumbledore, shaking with rage and embarrassment.

"Calm down Severus. Your secret is safe with me." Dumbledore paused. "and Minerva , Hagrid , Horace Slughorn , Tom from the Leaky Cauldron , Filch and...Who was it again? Ah, peeves too. Oh, yes, every portrait listening in this room too. But don't worry, they won't tell."

"D-don't w-worry!" Snape almost shouted with fury, "HOW CAN I NOT WORRY!"

"I can assure you that no-one else shall know if you this one little favour for me." Dumbledore gestured to the nun's outfit on the desk. Snape groaned. Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled.

"FINE!" cried Snape and he snatched the uniform of the desk before storming from the room, slamming the door behind him.

"That went well." said Dumbledore happily. The portrait behind him snorted and the rest broke out into laughter.

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Meanwhile, Minerva McGonagall was sitting in front of a mirror, in the bathroom of her private quarters, scissors in hand.

Dumbledore had appointed her Head Monk.

That's right, she was a _monk_

How was it that Snape was a_ nun_ and she was a _monk_?

How did that even work?

Dumbledore was a twisted man with a sick mind.

As her first task as an official monk, McGonagall had to remove all her hair from her head.

"At least it's only your _head_ hair" she said to herself in the mirror. She was definitely not removing any other hair with those blunt scissors. McGonagall proceeded to raise the scissors and hesitated. Closing her eyes and wincing, McGonagall snapped off a lock of dull brown and gray-streaked hair. It fell to the floor and tears welled up in her eyes.

She didn't want to be bald.

She'd look like Voldemort. All bald and wrinkly and ugly. A sob escaped McGonagall's throat as the last strand of hair fell to the floor.

She looked like a bald headed eagle.

An egg.

A Chinese hairless dog.

A bowling ball.

A cactus without its thorns.

In short, McGonagall looked hideous.

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Dumbledore sat in his office smiling. The new change was going well. So far there had been one crying bald monk, a furious under sexualised nun and some very amused staff members.

Alas, there was more to come. Dumbledore compiled the list of his staff and crossed Snape and McGonagall as their roles were already assigned.

McGonagall – Head Monk

Snape – Head Nun

Hagrid-?

Dumbledore considered a role for Hagrid before writing his final decision down , feeling satisfied.

Hagrid – Bible Basher

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WWWWOOOO YYYeeehahahahahhaha. Review me? I feel sorry for McGonagall now :( i love her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Woooo. Chapter 3. Sorry if it offends any bible bashers , nuns , monks or anyone else. **

**Disclaimer : Grab you bandit hat. At approximately 2100 hours we are gonna break into Jk ROWLING's house and steal back Harry Potter …and cookies too. :P **

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Dumbledore made his way down to Hagrid's hut. He reached the door and knocked, waiting patiently. After a few seconds the door opened and Hagrid appeared.

"Hello there, Hagrid. I am here to spread the Catholic message. Are you interested in buying a bible?" Dumbledore held up one of the many bibles he was carrying.

"Erm , no thanks , Albus."

"Oh, are you sure? I have a nice little one with pictures." said Dumbledore, not caring that Hagrid did not seem interested at all. "Here it's called, "My First Bible"." Dumbledore held up a small pink Bible, with a picture of Jesus on the front. Hagrid shook his head.

"Really Albus , I'm not interested."

"Oh Hagrid." said Dumbledore sounding overly disappointed. "The Lord loves you."

Hagrid's face went white. "I sure 'ope not."

Dumbledore let out a laugh, "I meant Lord _God_ not Lord _Voldemort_."

"Well I'm still not interested. See yeh later Albus." Hagrid started to close the door. In a quick flash of movement Dumbledore's hand gripped the edge of the door. Hagrid looked startled and slightly afraid.

In a low, menacing voice Dumbledore said, "You _will_ buy a Bible, Hagrid." Dumbledore had never sounded so frightening.

"Ok, ok, ok." whimpered Hagrid, looking petrified. "Just give me a Bible."

A smile returned to Dumbledore's face so fast that it was eerily scary.

"Here you go Hagrid. Are you interested in some Holy water too? How about a nice cross or a Do-it-yourself-exorcism-kit?"

"J-just the Bible, please."

Dumbledore handed Hagrid the bible. "Now on a scale of one to ten, how annoying did you think that was?"

"W-wha?"

"My bible bashing Hagrid. Did it infuriate you?"

"Yes. Even more then those random Indian people callin' me to sell me a phone deal. I'd give yeh a nine out of ten."

"Only nine Hagrid? Why? Do you think you could do a better job?"

"Well…maybe…yeah."

"Excellent. I appoint you Hogwart's Bible Basher."

"Um…ok." Said Hagrid , clearly confused,.

"You see Hagrid, I have one thousand Bibles, and you must get rid of them all by the end of the term. Do you think you can do that?"

"I suspose."

"Good Man. Just come by my office and collect them all later. Good day." And with that Dumbledore made his way back to the castle leaving a very dumbfounded Hagrid to ponder ways to get rid of a thousand Bibles in just one term.

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"Hey baldy!" jeered Snape.

McGonagall whipped around and pointed her wand at him. "Call me that again and you will be sorry!"

"Haha. What are you gonna do? Does that bald head of yours repel spells?"

"I'm warning you Snape."

"You know, you and The Dark Lord could be twins."

McGonagall was seething.

"God, it's so shiny I can see my reflection. Hey do people use your head for a bowling ball? Or does Trelawney see the future inside that crystal ball?"

"That's rich coming from the-man-who-scored-once-in-five-years. You're worse than Ron Weasley. The only _wand_ you've got is the one in your hand."

Snape growled.

"No wonder you're a nun. What are you hiding under your robes Snape? Any philosopher's stones? I think not."

"Well you're so bald when you wear a turtleneck you look like roll-on deodorant."

"OOOHHH BURN!" said Flitwick , walking into the room.

"Are you really that bald or is your head just blowing a bubble?" smirked Snape , while Flitwick ROFL-ed.

"At least my head is blowing _something._ I don't think you've ever been _blown _in your life."

"OH SNAP!" yelled Flitwick from the floor.

"Is that your face, Minerva, or are you wearing your head back to front today?"

"Oh yeah, Severus. Your such a nun that you make Hagrid look like a sex-god. And believe me, that is an achievement."

"Speaking of Hagrid," said Flitwick , "He's right over there."

"Oi you lot!" yelled Harid when he saw them, carrying a huge load of books. "Any of yeh interested in buying a Bible?"

The three teachers looked at each other for a second.

"RUN!" screamed Snape , hitching up his nun's robes before sprinting away with McGonagall and Flitwick on his heels.

"Faster." Cried Flitwick , "He's gaining on us!"

"Wait! I have plently of Bibles for everyone!" exclaimed Hagrid , chasing after them.

"Lord , help us!." cried McGonagall. If only her prayers were answered.

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**Hehehehehhehe. Sorry if you didn't find my bald jokes very funny. LOL . Any suggestions? Review me :) **


	4. Chapter 4

**Wooo , chapter 4 is up!**

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It was the start of the new year and a few rumours had been flying around about changes taking place in Hogwarts. Of course , Draco Malfoy was almost always the first one to be aware of school events due to his father's affluent connections , and had spent the time on the Hogwart's Express informing his fellow fifth year Slytherins of his recently aquired news.

On the other hand, Harry Potter had been kept in the dark for the entire summer and had little knowledge of the Hogwarts holiday news. He had listened to an ecstatic Hufflepuff by the name of Susan swear to him that according to her aunt, who was a judge in the ministry, Snape had been forced to become a nun. Whether or not this was true, the revelation was the source of great amusement in Gryffindors and the other houses alike. So when the houses congregated around the entrance hall , they were a little more than surprised to see a bald Mcgonagall in plain brown robes , Hagird carrying a large load of Bibles , and the most startling : Snape was in a nun's outfit. A massive uproar of hysterical laughter ensured at the sight of Snape and for the first time in living history, Snape's cold stare had failed to quell theoverly amused students. Snape was horrified.

"Now let us not loose our heads, students!" implored Mcgonagall to the circus of teenagers.

"Or our hair is more like it!" yelled a student from the back of the mist, once again inducing giggles and snorts into the crowd of students. Embarrassed and humiliated, Mcgonagall stood down and prayed someone else would take this riot into their own hands.

The doors to the great hall swung open with a bang. There stood Dumbledore dressed in a peculiar outfit. So peculiar in fact that many students chose to shield their eyes or inwardly throw up. Because the horrifying truth was, Dumbledore was stark naked except for one single fig leaf that covered his most unflattering area. The sight of Dumbledore shut all the students up at once. One fainted.

"That's enough children! Follow me so we can begin the sorting and then the feast." said Dumbledore. Then he turned around, thus proving that he was only wearing one fig leaf, conveniently located on the other side of his body. The students took sudden interest in the roof or the floor, anything to avoid the sickening task of looking at Dumbledore's backside. As you can imagine, it wasn't a pretty sight in the least.

The students sat down at their respective house tables and patiently looked up at the staff table, waiting for the explanation of why the teachers had taken a new interest in Catholism. Snape the nun was scowling, fiddling with the wooden cross around his neck. The Slytherin house shot him quizzical and amused glances while Pansy Parkinson had fallen into a fit of giggles.

Mcgonagall placed the sorting hat on the chair and it began its song:

_This year Hogwarts has made a change._

__

And Dumbledore is the one to blame.

Hogwarts is going Catholic.

The whole school is now Biblic.

God can save us from the Dark Lord

All hope is now restored.

So now Snape is nun,

and we can all see Dumbledore's bum.

Poor Mcgonagall has no hair

not even downnnnn there.

Hagrid is selling Holy books

and that's all it took

_To start the Hogwart's Catholic Regimmmmmmmeeeeeeee_!

The students broke into a bewildered applause, casting silent looks and a few whispers to each other. Fred and George were eagerly planning pranks to undermine the new regime, Ron and Harry were still sniggering at Snape-the-nun and Luna Lovegood was idly considering if she should have some pudding.

"Jones , Emily!" the first student was called up to be sorted , as soon did the rest until a substantial amount of nervous eleven year olds had been distributed.

Then the food appeared, and for this year it contained a large amount of bread and wine but not much else. Not many people minded about the wine part, but Mcgonagall did not think it was a good idea to get a large hoard of teenagers, as she so elegantly put it " #!*% off their faces". Dumbledore had merely laughed the matter off telling Mcgonagall that she was a monk and monks drink wine all the time, so she shouldn't mind. Snape on the other hand was not allowed alcohol (or sex , drugs , rock and roll , dancing or porn) so he sat there holding a measly piece of bread on his hand , silently sending killing curses at Dumbledore through his mind.

The feast continued and Dumbledore began is speech. First off, he announced that Harry Potter was the new Jesus and was to be worshipped daily, much to Harry's and Slytherin's displeasure. Then he explained his outfit, comparing himself to Adam by the fact that all the students were like his children. The students were not touched. Finishing his speech, Dumbledore told them all if they had any questions that they could buy a Bible off Hagrid after the feast.

The students promptly made a hasty exit, casting nervous and frightened glances at Hagrid.

It was going to be one interesting school year.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks everybody for your reviews :D**

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On the first day of the school year the students of Hogwarts looked down at their timetables with a mixture of confusion and trepidation. The students looking most confused though were the fifth years because you see , their first class of the new year was : Moral Values. They didn't really have any idea what the class was about. After seeing the word "moral" , Draco Malfoy had sneered and Hermione frowned. She thought it would be useful for everyone to learn about moral values. 

She was very wrong.

The fifth years gathered around a classroom on the second floor , waiting for their teacher to show up. They really didn't know who was teaching them. All the Gryffindors prayed that it wasn't Snape , even some of the Slytherin's were hoping it wasn't (they hadn't really taken well to Snape-the-nun.) . Hermione , using the power of deductive reasoning , concluded that it would be Snape that was teaching them. After all they were learning about 'moral values" and who was more suited to teaching that than a nun? 

Hermione was right.

Snape flung open the classroom door , hardly looking sinister in his nun's outfit. The students snickered loudly and Snape scowled unhappily.  
"Enter!" he barked at the students. Far from being frightened at his seething expression , the students fell into hysterical giggles , almost falling over as they entered the classroom.

They took their seats and waited for class to begin. At the front of the class , Snape scrawled two words on a blackboard , "Moral Values." He then turned around a faced his class , "I pray that you dunderheads will grasp this subject quickly , because Hell will not match my fury when I find out that I have to continue this subject for another term merely because your feeble minds cannot understand and put in the effort. I will treat this class like another other of mine and demand that you give respect at all times. Any student that fails to comply will be given detention for the rest of the term."

Snape's eyes rested on Harry , who was fighting to keep a grin on his face. Harry had just shared a joke with Ron and it went a little like this , "What's black , white and red?"

"I dunno mate." said Ron.

"A nun that's been hit by a car!." whispered Harry. Ron snorted with laughter. Hermione shot then an annoyed glance.

Snape narrowed his eyes before continuing , "The Headmaster has requested that I teach you about moral values , _Catholic _moral values."  
The students remained silent , looking confused. It was clear that very little of them had learnt about religion before.

"Do any of you know what the biggest value is?" asked Snape.

Not even Hermione's hand shot up.

Snape scowled , " It is purity."

Everyone still looked confused , failing to understand. 

Snape huffed , "Abstinence?"

Someone in the back of the classroom coughed.

Snape was about to hit his head against the wall , "No sex before marriage?"

Finailly the penny dropped. Comprehension dawned upon the students' faces , followed by fear , and shock.

_Snape was going to give them sex education? _

Neville fainted out of fear and Ron said to Harry ,"What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?"

"Tell me." replied Harry.

"A nun with a spear through her head!"

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